Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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