I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
