I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
