after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
