you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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