GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
