hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
