apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
