I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize