Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
