Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
