Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
