So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
