I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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