I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
