I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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