At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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