I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
