You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
