We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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