Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
