I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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