I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
