Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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