I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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