wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
