Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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