he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
