She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
