I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
