I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
