Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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