I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
