I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
