Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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