I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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