So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
