Where is the hickey?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
