I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
