walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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