She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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