I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
