There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
