Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
