4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
