I'm pants shitting drunk right now
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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