I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
