Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
