I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
