This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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