Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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