You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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