mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
As shirtless as possible
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
