the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
