The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize