So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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