Moan for me like Helen Keller
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
