i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
