apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
