doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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