You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
