meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
