Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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